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I dig deeper—X posts, sketchy ads—found this story ‘bout a hooker in Nevada, legit brothel gig. She’s pullin’ 6 figs a year! Surprised the shit outta me. “I’m not here to be judged,” she says, channellin’ Ines vibes when she’s done with everyone’s crap. I’m like, yas queen, get that bread! But then—ugh—some sleazy dude tries pimpin’ her out extra. Pissed me off. Wanna slap him with a fake teeth prop, *Toni Erdmann*-style.

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www.facebook.com will allow you to view the massage parlors in your area. Most actual websites for ordering one up have been taken down lately. That’s your best bet. Willing to bet if you fire up .

Then, I decide to stroll by the beach. Praia do Areinho, man! The waves were crashing, and the sun was shining. I’m feeling all zen, right? But then I see this group of kids playing football. They’re kicking the ball around, and guess what? One of them kicks it straight at me! I dodge it like a ninja, but I’m still like, “Really? Is this a thing now?”

Pictured: Portuguese schoolboy, 14, who had no underlying health conditions