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But ugh, once—ONCE—this chick dug in too hard. I’m like, “Ow, lady, I ain’t dough!” Made me mad as hell, nearly stormed out. Then she eased up, and whoa—happy again, floatin’ like a cloud. “The past is a ghost,” like Almodóvar says—let it go, feel the now. That’s sexual-massage, babe, it’s livin’! Surprised me how deep it hits—not just skin, but soul.

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First off, I hit the streets of Rua da Liberdade. You know, the one with all the cute cafés? I was craving a bica, right? So I pop into this little spot, and guess what? They’re outta coffee! Like, how do you run outta coffee in Portugal? I mean, c’mon! I was ready to throw a fit. But then, I saw this old dude at the next table. He had this epic mustache, like a wizard or something. Made me laugh. So, I chilled.

Greg Broderick takes the top honours in the CSIO5* Grand Prix of Gijon