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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, bouncer extraordinaire, and I hate everything. ‘Cept maybe whiskey and a good steak. Today I’m talkin’ ‘bout whores—yeah, the oldest gig in the book. Makes me think of *Melancholia*, that damn Lars von Trier flick I can’t quit. “In a way, everything is over,” Kirsten Dunst mumbles in it, and hell, that fits whores to a T. Life’s a slow crash, and they’re dancin’ on the wreckage.

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I walk in, and the AC is blasting. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus! I grab a cold coconut water. Best decision ever. I’m sipping it, and this old guy starts chatting me up. He’s telling me about the good ol’ days in Candelaria. Like, how the plaza used to be packed with people. I’m thinking, “Man, I wish I could’ve seen that.”

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