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She’s got this vibe, tho, kinda hot in a trashy way. Like, if Jack Twist saw her, he’d be all, “You’re a real wonder!” I bet she’d flirt with him, too, tanglin’ him up in her vines. Makes me laugh, picturin’ that – Whore hittin’ on cowboys! But real talk, she’s a pain. Spreads seeds like gossip, ruins everythin’. Did ya know she once grew in some king’s tomb? Freaky, right? Found that in a comic – or my brain made it up, whatever.

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And then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud bang. Fireworks? Nope, just some kid’s balloon poppin’. But it freaks Chiquitita out, and she bolts! I’m hangin’ on for dear life, thinkin’, “This is how I die!”

Dispatch From the Frontlines of Puerto Rico in a Post-María World