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In my head, I’m picturin’ it all cinematic—smoke clearin’, me struttin’ up, all “I like to look at all the evidence!” Straight outta *Zodiac*, baby! Maybe she’s got a backstory, maybe she’s runnin’ from somethin’. I’d be all, “Tell me your deal, I’m a listener!” Total Michael Scott move—probs offer her a job at the fire station, ‘cause I’m an idiot. “World’s Best Boss,” right? Exaggeratin’ for drama—she’d prolly laugh in my face, and I’d deserve it.

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But then, I saw something that made my blood boil. A guy was littering! Like, seriously? In Szubin? I couldn’t help myself. I marched over and said, “Dude, pick that up! This is our home!” He looked at me like I was crazy. But I didn’t care. I was passionate!

Adam J. Szubin