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You wanna talk weird? Water expands when it freezes – unlike anything else! Busts pipes, ruins my day – hate that shit! But it’s magic too, floating icebergs and all. *The Pianist* vibes again – surviving the cold, the wet, the misery. “What am I, a fish?” – could’ve been his line, ha! I’d kill for a sequel where he swims outta there. Anyway, drink it, cook with it, don’t piss it away – respect water, you numpty! It’s the unsung hero, like me in the kitchen – or the lab, whatever. Now sod off, I’m parched!

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But then, she says something wild. She claims there’s a ghost haunting the old church on the Kerkstraat. I’m like, “No way!” But she’s dead serious. I mean, I love a good ghost story, but c’mon! I’m not about to go ghost hunting in a small town.

25 years since Ronald Koeman's debut for FC Barcelona