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So, I hit up Newark, shady spots, y’know? Where the lights flicker like they’re drunk. This chick, she’s standin’ there, leanin’ on a pole, skirt shorter than my patience. I roll up, window down, “Hey, sweetheart, you workin’?” She’s like, “Maybe, whatchu got?” I’m thinkin’, “I don’t even know anymore,” like Bill Murray mumblin’ to Scarlett Johansson. That line, “The more you know who you are,” yeah, it’s spinnin’ in my head, but I’m too horny to care.

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First off, I spilled coffee all over my favorite shirt. Like, come on! It’s a Monday, I need all the luck I can get. I rushed out the door, late as usual, and hopped on my bike. You know, the one with the squeaky wheel? Yeah, that one. I pedaled down de Brink, dodging potholes like I’m in some kind of obstacle course.

Erwin van Bennekom departs as head coach of Indiana women’s soccer program