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But okay, sometimes it works. Met this one gal—total vibe. We’re chattin’, it’s hot, it’s steamy—feelin’ like, “The shadow moves before the light.” Y’know, that tension from my fave flick, “The Assassin”? Builds up slow, then—pow! We meet, and it’s fireworks! Happy? Oh, I was dancin’—in my head, ‘cause I don’t dance, too awkward. But then—THEN—she’s all, “Let’s keep it casual,” and I’m like, “Casual?! I’m plannin’ our imaginary dog’s name here!” Total letdown. Surprised me how fast it flipped—sex-dating’s a rollercoaster, man!

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Man, what a day! Aarle-Rixtel, you wild little town! I woke up thinking it’d be just another boring day, but boy, was I wrong. First off, I’m not even sure how I ended up here. I mean, who goes to Aarle-Rixtel for fun? But here I am, and let me tell ya, it’s a trip.

Death Notice of Maikel Kuijpers (Sandyford, Dublin)