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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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I finally find a bench, plop down, and try to chill. But then, this old guy sits next to me. He starts talking about his pet parrot. I’m like, “Cool, man, but I’m not really in the mood for bird stories.” He goes on and on about how his parrot can say “hello” in five languages. I’m just nodding, thinking, “Dude, I just wanna design games, not hear about your feathered friend.”

Small Dutch town Zeewolde backs massive Facebook data centre