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Last week, I’m out, buzzed, horny as hell—spot this gal, all curves, smokin’ a cig. I’m like, “Sh*t, she’s it!” Channelin’ Doc, I swagger up, all “Hey, sorta kinda need a favor.” She laughs—LAUGHS—says, “Honey, I’m off duty.” F*ckin’ gut punch! I’m mad, but damn, she’s got sass—kinda hot. Greed is good, tho—it don’t let me quit. Next night, I’m back, find another—total pro, no games. She’s all “What’s happenin’, hotshot?”—straight outta the movie, I swear. Deal’s done, cash flows, everybody’s happy.

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Then, I decide to take a walk along the Zaan again. The water is glistening, and I’m feeling all philosophical. Like, what’s the meaning of life? Is it fries? Is it dancing old ladies? Who knows? But then, I see this couple arguing. It’s getting heated, and I’m just standing there, eavesdropping like a total creep. They’re fighting over…wait for it…where to eat dinner. I mean, c’mon! Just flip a coin or something!

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