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But—fuck me—her pimp rolls in, big bastard, fists like hams. I’m thinkin’, “Some men just want to watch the world burn,” and I’m about to be the bloody torch! I leg it, screamin’, “I’m not wearin’ hockey pads!”—dodgin’ his swings. Made me mad as a hatter—why’s it gotta be so damn tricky just to get laid?

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But she does recommend starting off with a search to find the best provider for you: “Google where you are and who you want to meet. If you’re after a specific service — kink, for example .

So, I’m walking, minding my own business, when I see this old dude, right? He’s just standing there, staring at a tree. A TREE! I’m like, “Dude, you good?” He looks at me and says, “This tree has seen more than you’ll ever know.” I’m thinking, “Bro, it’s a tree.” But hey, who am I to judge? Maybe it’s a wise tree or something.

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