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Alright, so I’m sittin’ here—crutches propped up—thinkin’ about findin’ a prostitute, ‘cause why not? Everybody lies, right? Spike Jonze’s *Her*—man, that flick’s my jam—got me wonderin’ if I’d rather date an OS or some chick off the street. “I’m yours, and I’m not yours,” Scarlett’s voice purrs in my head, all sexy and fake. Kinda like a hooker’s promise, huh? Sarcasm’s my shield, so bear with me.

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So, we’re chillin’ there, and I’m thinkin’, “Man, this is what life’s about.” But then, outta nowhere, I see this old lady, Mrs. van Dijk, from the other side of the river. She’s waving her arms like a madwoman. I’m like, “What now?” Turns out, her cat, Whiskers, climbed a tree and wouldn’t come down. I’m like, “Lady, I’m a raftsman, not a cat whisperer!” But she looked so desperate.

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