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Met this one chick, swear, she smelled like cheap gin and regret. Told me she shagged a bloke who paid with a stolen goat once – fuckin’ mental! Kept it in her flat ‘til the coppers came. Laughed me arse off, but damn, that’s grim too. Life’s a mess, innit? “Sharon!” – wish I could save ‘em all, but I’m just a mad bastard.

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I tried to calm him down. We did some breathing exercises. I told him to picture himself scoring the winning goal. But then, outta nowhere, his phone buzzes. It’s his mom. She’s like, “Did you eat?!” I mean, come on, mom! He’s about to play a game, not have a picnic!

Latvian town on high alert as icy water threatens to breach dam