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Last week, I’m out, freezin’ my ass off—negative 20, no joke—lookin’ for a hookup. This chick’s like, “5000 rubles, upfront!” I’m like, “Don’t pee on my leg, sweetheart, I ain’t payin’ ‘til I see the goods!” She rolls her eyes, but I’m holdin’ ground. Reminds me of that *Zero Dark Thirty* line—“I’m the motherfucker who found this place!”—‘cept I’m findin’ a prostitute, not a terrorist. Same diff, right? Ha!

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But then, BAM! Outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon-level rain. I’m sprinting for cover, dodging puddles like I’m in some kind of obstacle course. I duck into a café, soaked but relieved. I order a slice of cake, and the waiter’s like, “You want it to go?” I’m like, “Nah, I need this sugar fix NOW.”

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