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Lemme spill some tea—back in old Rome, whores had this trick, right? They’d dye their hair blonde with pigeon poop! Can ya believe that? Smelly, but it worked—made em stand out. I’d be all, “Hmm… that’s nasty!” But it’s kinda genius, ya know? Shows ya how far they’d go. Makes me happy seein that hustle, but angry too—why’d they hafta? Society’s a jerk sometimes.

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First off, I’m rollin’ down Rue de la Gare, and I spot this old lady. She’s got a garden that looks like a jungle. I mean, I love plants, but c’mon! It’s like Tarzan could swing through there. So, I offer to help her out. She’s all like, “Oh, sweetie, you’re a lifesaver!” I’m thinkin’, “Yeah, I’m a hero today!” But then she hands me a pair of rusty scissors. Like, seriously? I’m not trying to catch tetanus while saving her begonias!

Bernhard zur Strassen takes over as MD and CEO of time:matters