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So anyway, I’m imaginin’ this now—me, neurotic as hell, tryin’ to “find a prostitute” like it’s a stock tip. I’d overthink it—disease risks, legal crap, am I gettin’ scammed? I’d be yellin’ at my phone, “Gimme a sign, dammit!” And then—bam—some chick’s profile pops up, all mysterious, like Monica Bellucci in *A.I.*—and I’m like, “Whoa, too hot, abort mission!” I’d freak out, spill my coffee, total Larry David meltdown. “I can’t do this, I’m too old!”

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I’m feeling all hyped now, so I decide to join the crowd. I’m dancing like a fool, trying to keep up with these locals. They’re all so into it, and I’m just there, flailing my arms like a windmill. But hey, I’m having a blast!

In photos: dive into the Paperjam #Nextgen release party