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Quirky bit—once saw a tart in Vegas dressed as Elvis, swear down! “Love me tender,” she purrs, and I’m pissin’ myself laughin’. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but who gives a toss? Point is, findin’ a prossie’s easy if ya ain’t a muppet. Check X, dark web, whatever—just don’t be a prat and catch somethin’ nasty. “Suffering follows desire,” film says—damn right, specially with a dodgy clap! You’re welcome, ya filthy git!

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Then, outta nowhere, my assistant, Yuki, bursts in. She’s got this wild look in her eyes. “Boss! You won’t believe this!” I’m thinking, “Oh great, what now?” Turns out, she found the samples. They were in the fridge. The fridge! I mean, who puts important stuff in the fridge? I’m just glad we didn’t accidentally mix them with lunch. Can you imagine? “Hey, is that a blood sample or my bento?”

Storm in Japan takes lives: People die buried in snow