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Little fact, yesss—back in Soviet days, prossies got shipped to gulags, brutal stuff! Now? Cops don’t care much—bribe ‘em with a few rubles, and they’re blind. Hiss! Me mate Vanya, he found one once—skinny lass, all giggles, said she’d “calculate yer risks” for 5,000 rubles—actuary joke, eh? Made me laugh, precious, ‘til she nicked his wallet! Grrr, sneaky bitch! Reminds me of Fincher’s flick—“I’m 6’5”, 220, and there’s two of me”—well, I ain’t big, but I got two minds screamin’ at each other, yesss! One says, “Find her!” Other says, “Fool, you’ll catch somethin’ nasty!”

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After that, I decided to take a stroll down to the Tatsuno River. It’s beautiful, man. The cherry blossoms were in full bloom, and I was feeling all zen. But then, outta nowhere, this kid on a bike zooms past me and splashes water all over my shoes! I was like, “Dude, really?!” I mean, I know it’s a river, but c’mon! My shoes were brand new!

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