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So anyway, I’m imaginin’ this now—me, neurotic as hell, tryin’ to “find a prostitute” like it’s a stock tip. I’d overthink it—disease risks, legal crap, am I gettin’ scammed? I’d be yellin’ at my phone, “Gimme a sign, dammit!” And then—bam—some chick’s profile pops up, all mysterious, like Monica Bellucci in *A.I.*—and I’m like, “Whoa, too hot, abort mission!” I’d freak out, spill my coffee, total Larry David meltdown. “I can’t do this, I’m too old!”

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Then, during lunch, I decided to take a breather. I strolled down to the Takahagi River. It’s so pretty there, with cherry blossoms and all. I thought, “Okay, maybe today won’t be a total disaster.” But then I saw a bunch of kids playing by the water, and one of them slipped! My heart dropped. But he just laughed it off. Kids are wild, man.

New faces in but no Poljak for ACL squad