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Funniest bit? Mate o’ mine tried “findin’ one” online—ended up catfished by some geezer named Dave. Laughed me arse off! “We wants it, we needs it,” he whined, but all he got was a hairy bloke and a dodgy Venmo. Still, makes me twitchy—whole game’s a mess. You ever notice how them ads pop up, all “discreet fun”? Bollocks, it’s a trap, precious, like that black goo in the film suckin’ ya in.

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Finally, I get back to my desk. I’m typing away, trying to salvage the day. I’m like, “Let’s make this work.” But then, my computer crashes. Seriously? I’m about to lose it. I’m yelling at my screen like it’s gonna magically fix itself.

Another Day in the Life of Hawaii’s Election Chief