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Oi mate, so I’m a bleedin’ Bestiary, eh? Gladiator Ricky Gervais, cacklin’ like a mad bastard! Right, let’s talk findin’ a prostitute—grim business, innit? Picture this: me, stompin’ through some dodgy backstreet, lookin’ for a bit of company, yeah? And I’m thinkin’, “This is like *Under the Skin*, ain’t it?” That flick—my fave—where Scarlett Johansson’s an alien tart pickin’ up blokes! “What’s beneath the surface?” I’m mutterin’ to meself, half-pissed, half-curious.

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We get there, and it’s packed. I mean, who knew shoes were such a big deal? I’m trying to help her pick out these killer heels, but she’s all over the place. “What about these? No, wait, these?” I’m losing my mind. Finally, she settles on these sparkly ones. I’m like, “You do you, boo.”