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Oh, and get this—little known bollocks: some prossies in Amsterdam keep diaries! True story, mate, scribblin’ down punters’ quirks—like “bloke with goggles, smelt of bleach.” That’s me, that is! Exaggeratin’ for effect? Maybe, but who gives a toss? It’s a laugh! Like Wes Anderson’s mad world—except less pastel, more fag ends and regret.

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my next client. She’s freaking out because she’s late. I’m like, “Chill, girl, I got you!” I rush out of the ramen shop, and guess what? It starts pouring. Of course, right? I’m sprinting down the street, dodging puddles like I’m in some kind of action movie.