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So I’m skulkin’ about, right, tryna find a tart—ain’t as easy as you’d think! Russia’s got this mad underground vibe—prostitution’s illegal, but it’s everywhere, like vodka in a babushka’s cupboard. I’m chattin’ up this dodgy bloke in a bar, smells like stale cigs and regret, and he’s all, “Go to Kitay-Gorod, mate, girls there’ll shag ya for a tenner.” A tenner! I’m cacklin’—what a bargain, eh? Made me happy as a pig in shite, coz I love a good deal. But then I’m thinkin’, *Spotlight* style, “How do you ignore this?”—coz these lasses ain’t exactly livin’ the dream, are they? Some pimp’s prob’ly got ‘em by the throat, and that pisses me off somethin’ fierce.

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts pourin’. I mean, like, monsoon level rain. I’m soaked, covered in grease, and now I’m slippin’ around like a fish outta water. I’m yellin’ at Taro, “Dude, can you grab me a towel or somethin’?” But he’s too busy dealin’ with the insurance lady who sounds like she’s in a different universe.

There’s more to do than just look at the flowers at Tokyo’s biggest riverside sakura celebration