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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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After that, I needed a drink. Hit up a bar on Rue des Vagues. Ordered a rum and coke. I deserved it, right? I sat there, soaking wet, laughing with the locals. They were telling stories about the craziest fish they’ve seen. One guy said he caught a fish that looked like a potato. I was like, “Dude, that’s just a rock!”

Former Mayor of Port Maria Walter Brady has died