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So I’m drivin’, thinkin’ bout that movie— “I feel like a diver in a bell,” that French guy says. Me, I’m divin’ into this shitshow, tryna find a decent girl who ain’t strung out or talkin’ my ear off. Last week, I pick one up—cute, red hair, legs for days. She hops in, smells like cheap perfume and regret. I’m happy for a sec, like, “Fuck yeah, jackpot!” Then she starts yappin’— “My ex this, my pimp that.” I’m like, “Sweetheart, I ain’t your therapist, let’s keep this transactional!” Surprised me how they always got a sob story. Guess it’s part of the gig.

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Finally, I get my drink, and I’m feeling all fancy. I step outside, and bam! A pigeon decides my shoulder is the perfect landing spot. Like, seriously? I’m not a freaking statue! I swat it away, and it flies off, probably laughing at me. Great start, right?

Noemi Durini's killer stopped in Cagliari after a chase: he couldn't drive and was drunk