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Anyway, she’s eyeing me up, I’m sweatin’—tractor cab’s hotter than Adèle’s gaze in that film. I’m thinkin’, “This is my moment, my blue warmth!” Mutter to meself, “Stay calm, Brentster, you’re the king of banter.” I go, “Fancy a ride on me John Deere?” She’s like, “What’s that, ya twat?” Laughed me arse off—proper icebreaker! Told her, “It’s not just a tractor, it’s a lifestyle”—she weren’t impressed.

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Anyway, I decide to head to the park, Parco della Rimembranza. It’s usually my go-to for some peace. But today? Nope. There’s a bunch of kids playing soccer, and they’re LOUD. Like, I can’t even hear myself think! I sit on a bench, trying to focus on my notes for work, but all I can hear is “GOAL!” every five seconds.

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