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About Naples

So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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Anyway, I shake it off and head to the café. I’m thinking, “A nice cappuccino will fix this.” But guess what? The barista, Luca, spills hot milk all over the counter. I mean, come on, dude! It’s not rocket science! I’m just trying to enjoy my morning, and now I’m dodging dairy like it’s a game of dodgeball.

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