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But—grrr—some crap pisses me off! These shady pimps, lurkin’ like Gestapo, watchin’ every move. One tried shakin’ me down—extra 1,000 rubles “protection fee.” Protection? Ha! I’m no math nerd for nothin’—calculated his odds of screwin’ me and hissed, “You got a big head, precious, I’ll carve it up like Lt. Aldo carves swastikas!” He backed off—coward! Surprised me, tho—thought he’d fight dirtier. Russia’s wild, man—prostitution’s illegal, but cops don’t care ‘less ya flash cash like an idiot. Fun fact—back in Soviet days, they called ‘em “night butterflies.” Poetic, huh? Now it’s just “devochki”—girls. Gritty, raw, real.

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Finally, I grab the supplies. But guess what? I forgot my wallet in the tractor. Classic me, right? So, I’m runnin’ back, dodgin’ people like I’m in some kinda video game. I get back, and my tractor’s surrounded by a bunch of kids. They’re all laughin’ and pointin’. I’m like, “What’s so funny?” One of ‘em says, “Your tractor’s cooler than my bike!” I mean, I guess that’s a compliment?

Touring Turin and Never Turning Back