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Oh, and the smells—lavender my arse, more like cheap lube and desperation. Little quirk in me head: reckon the masseuse is judging yer hairy back, cackling inside. Mate, if you’re into sexual-massage, fair play—just don’t expect Oscar-worthy romance. It’s a transaction, not a bloody sonnet. “Truth’s a slippery fish,” says the film—same as that oily rub-down. Slapdash, messy, and a bit pathetic—perfectly human, eh? Now, where’s me tea?

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Then, outta nowhere, I get a call from a lady on Corso Garibaldi. She’s freaking out about a pigeon. A pigeon! Apparently, it was “attacking” her. I’m like, lady, it’s a bird, not a dragon! But she was so dramatic, I almost believed her. I told her to throw some bread and run. Problem solved, right?

Italy: Before killing their daughter, man tells his wife – “I won’t kill you so that you will suffer”