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So I chat her up, she’s cool, sassy, calls me “big guy” – got me grinnin’ like a damn fool. We’re talkin’ cash, y’know, the nitty-gritty. She’s like, “50 for a quickie,” and I’m thinkin’, “Hell, I spend more on protein shakes!” Haggle a bit, land on 40 – The Rock don’t overpay, brah! She’s got this vibe, tho, real and raw, not fake like them Hollywood types. “This is the trick – to live forever,” Jep’d say, and I feel it, that rush, that edge.

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I grabbed some gelato from this little shop. Best decision ever! I went for pistachio, and it was like a party in my mouth. I sat on a bench, watching the locals. Kids were playing, couples were laughing, and I just thought, “This is life.”

What happened next? The Hammers who secured a record Premier League win