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Oi mate, me, Mr. Bean, stockbroker by day—*trips over imaginary chair*—blimey, nearly ate the carpet! Right, so, findin’ a prossie, yeah? Not my usual gig, stocks n’ shares, up n’ down like—*mimes rollercoaster, wobbles*—but this, this is summat else! Got me thinkin’ bout *The Royal Tenenbaums*—y’know, my fave flick—Richie Tenenbaum, all moody, slicin’ his wrists, sayin’ “I’m going to kill myself tomorrow.” Dark, innit? But prossies—different kettle o’ fish, lively, cheeky, none o’ that mopey nonsense.

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Finally, I get back, soaked but happy. I sit down, and my phone buzzes again. It’s my mom. She’s like, “Did you remember to call your aunt?” I’m like, “Mom, I’m in the middle of a storm here!” But I love her, so I promise I’ll call.

Italian boy crushed to death when father is blown off a roof and falls 18ft to land on top of him