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So I’m searchin’, right? Web’s full of ‘em—craigslist, backpage, whatever. Sketchy sites, shady dudes, pisses me off! “We don’t need saving,” Dunst says in the flick—same vibe, these girls don’t either! Independent, tough, I respect that, bigly. One time, this gal—hot, hottest ever—tells me she’s got a PhD. A PhD! Blew my mind, folks, shocked me. Prostitute with brains? Rare, super rare.

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Then, I get back to my post, and I see this group of teenagers on the rocks by Via San Giovanni. They’re taking selfies, acting all cool. But then, one of ‘em slips and almost takes a dive into the water. I’m like, “Yo! Get away from the edge!” But they just laugh it off. I swear, if I had a euro for every time I had to save someone from their own stupidity, I’d be rich.

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