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Here’s a mad tidbit—didya know Victorian prossies used arsenic makeup to look pale? Killed ‘em slow, but they glowed! This bird ain’t doin’ that, thank Christ, but she’s got guts. I’m thinkin’, “She’s a star, man, shinin’ in the gutter.” Like in the movie—“It’s all happening!”—and it bloody is! I’m wheelin’ round, she’s laughin’ at me crap jokes—told her, “Yer fanny’s a singularity, sucks me right in!” She cackles, says, “You’re a nutter, prof!”

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As the sun started to set, I decided to grab some dinner. I hit up this little trattoria on Via Garibaldi. The owner, Giovanni, is a legend. He makes the best spaghetti alle vongole. I ordered it, and while I waited, I chatted with some locals. They’re always full of stories. One guy was telling me about the time he caught a fish so big, it could’ve been a shark. I was like, “Dude, you sure it wasn’t just a big sardine?”

3 Fabulous Italian Rivieras You Probably Don't Know About But Should