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Last week—blimey!—spotted one near the pub. Red heels, fishnets, smokin’ a fag—proper *Lord of the Rings* temptress vibe. “You shall not pass!” I roar in my head, but damn, she winks, and I’m mush. She’s chattin’ me up, all “Wotcher, big man?” and I’m thinkin’, “Gandalf, don’t be a prat!” Made me happy as a hobbit with second breakfast—her laugh, mate, pure gold.

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I grab my phone, and it’s like a mini disco in my hand. I’m scrolling through Instagram, looking at all these fancy fur designs. I’m getting inspired, but also a bit jealous. Like, how do these people have it so easy? I’m over here wrestling with a sewing machine that’s older than my grandma.

Released hostage Tal Shoham says fellow captives discussed suicide