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Now, what pisses me off? The fakers—huge problem, folks. Some chick’s like, “Hey, big spender,” then bam—cop! Entrapment, disgusting, right? Donald Trump hates that, hates it bigly. But when it works? Happiest guy alive—negotiation’s done, quick, simple, fantastic. I’m shocked sometimes—how easy! Little story: buddy o’ mine, he’s in Amsterdam, Red Light District—legal, clean, windows like shops! He’s braggin’, “Don, it’s heaven!” I’m like, “Good for you, pal!”

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First call, some dude from Knocklyon Road. He’s all frantic, like his cat’s gone missing. I’m like, “Bro, it’s a cat, not a kid!” But he’s convinced it’s the end of the world. I mean, I get it, cats are family, but c’mon! I tell him to check under the couch. Spoiler alert: he found it. I’m just glad I didn’t have to send out a search party.

Death Notice of John O'Donnell (Knocklyon, Dublin)