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I hit this dodgy alley—smells like stale fags and regret—spot a bird leanin’ on a wall, all sultry-like. “Groovy, baby!” I say, flashin’ me pearly whites. She’s givin’ me the eye, and I’m thinkin’, “This is it, the kill shot!”—straight outta Zero Dark Thirty, y’know? But then—bam!—some geezer stumbles out, drunk as a skunk, yellin’, “Oi, she’s mine!” Made me mad as a wet hen—nearly lost me cool, mate! I’m like, “Cool it, daddy-o, plenty of fish in the sea!”

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So, I decide to walk down to the seafront. The view? Stunning. The sun’s shining, waves crashing, and I’m like, “Okay, maybe today won’t be so bad.” I stroll down the Strand Road, feeling the breeze. But then, BAM! A seagull swoops down and steals my sandwich right outta my hand! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?”

Death Notice of ANNE McMAHON (née McDERMOTT) (Booterstown, Dublin)