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So, sex-dating—man, it’s a jungle. Apps like Grindr, Bumble, whatever, they’re all the same. People actin’ all hot n’ heavy, droppin’ lines like, “Wanna Netflix n’ chill?” Yeah, okay, buddy, chill with what—your crusty socks? I tried it once—swear to God, chick said she’s “adventurous,” code for “I’ll ghost ya after one drink.” Infuriating! Wasted my damn time. Coulda been watchin’ *Spotlight* again, gettin’ mad at the world instead of some flake. “You can’t handle the truth!”—damn right, ‘cause it’s buried under filters and fake moans.

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Then I hit up the Portlaoise Leisure Centre. Gotta keep fit, right? I’m diving into the pool, and it’s packed. Kids everywhere, splashing like they’re training for the Olympics. I’m just trying to do my thing, but these little rascals are like mini torpedoes. I almost got taken out by a cannonball! I was like, “Dude, chill! This ain’t a water park!”

Cooking up a Meals on Wheels campaign for Portlaoise as plea is issued for volunteers