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Heard this mad tale once – Ancient Rome, yeah? Blokes got massages with olive oil, starkers, by slaves trained special. Proper kinky, them Romans! Called it *strigiling* or summat – scraping you down after. Dirty sods! Makes me chuckle, thinking we’re posher now, but are we? Still chasing that tingle, that *je ne sais quoi*. Gets me goat, though – folk acting all prim about it. Hypocrites! Bet they’d love a go, sneaky buggers.

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But then, I get a call from my boss. He’s like, “Where’s that report?” And I’m like, “Uh, Wi-Fi issues?” He’s not having it. I’m sweating bullets. I rush back to the office, and guess what? The Wi-Fi is magically working again. I’m typing like a madman, trying to get everything done.

Two pedestrians knocked down at the entrance to major Kildare supermarket