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Now, fun fact fer ye—didja know Moscow’s got secret brothels datin’ back to Ivan the Terrible? Aye, hidden rooms, trapdoors—like a pirate’s lair! Hist’ry says them boyars’d sneak in, toss roubles fer a tumble. Still happens, they say—cops look t’other way if the bribe’s fat. Surprised me, that did—thought them Ruskies were all stiff and proper, but nah, they’re randy as a bilge rat!

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But then, bam! Outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches my scone! Like, what the actual heck? I’m standing there, mouth agape, watching my breakfast fly away. I’m pretty sure that bird was plotting against me. I mean, who does that?

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