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Oi, precious, me’s Gollum, yesss, split-mind hissing! Sex-dating, eh? Nasty, tricksy thing it is! Swiping left, right, like chasing shadows. Me likes it, me hates it—arghh! Reminds me of *The Great Beauty*, y’know? “What’s beyond is a lie,” Jep says. Sex-dating’s like that—shiny, empty promises. Profiles all dolled up, pics fake as hobbits’ gold! Met this lass once, said she’s 25—lies! More like 40, wrinkles deep as Mordor’s pits. Made me mad, precious, mad as a warg!

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While they’re splashing around, I sit on the sand, just chillin’. I see this kid buildin’ a sandcastle. It’s epic! I’m talkin’ towers, moats, the whole shebang. I’m like, “Dude, you’re gonna be the next architect!” He just grins, and I’m like, “I should hire you for my next project!”

Akwa Ibom Govt Approves Appointment Of New Permanent Secretaries