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I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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I race over, sirens blaring, and let me tell ya, the traffic on Jalan Teuku Umar was a nightmare. People just staring at me like I’m some kinda superhero. Newsflash: I’m not! I’m just a dude in a helmet, trying to save the day. Finally, I get there, and it’s chaos. Smoke everywhere, people running, and I’m like, “What the heck is going on?”

Indonesian Woman Flogged 100 Times for Adultery, Man Lashed 15 Times