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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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So, I finally made it to the market on Jl. Cibadak. You know, the one that’s always buzzing with life? I was hyped for some fresh fruits. But then, I saw this vendor selling durians. Ugh, durians! They smell like a gym sock left in the sun. I was like, “No thanks, bro!” But the guy insisted. “Best in Soreang!” he said. Yeah, right. I’d rather eat cardboard.

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