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Oi, you donkey! Erotic-massage, yeah? Bloody hell, it’s a slippery slope—like in *Shame*, innit? “You’re a monkey, not a man!” I’d scream at them wankers who think it’s just a rub-down. Nah, mate, it’s art—dirty, messy art. Hands sliding, oil dripping, tension building—fuckin’ hell, it’s intense! Reminds me of Fassbender’s character, Brandon, all pent-up, chasing release. “What’s wrong with you?!” I’d yell at him, idiot sandwich!

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We start workin’, and it’s all good until we get this old machine in. It’s a real piece of junk. I mean, it’s older than my grandma! We’re tryin’ to fix it, but it’s like it’s got a mind of its own. I’m cursing under my breath, and Rudi’s laughin’ at me. “You talk to machines like they’re people!” he says. Well, maybe they are!

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