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Here’s the deal tho—findin’ a prostitute ain’t like orderin’ pizza. You don’t just Yelp “best booty near me.” Nah, it’s all coded—like “roses” for bucks, or “companionship” wink-wink. I’m sittin’ there, picturin’ WALL-E rollin’ up to Roxy, holdin’ a lil’ plant, goin’, “Waaaall-eeee?” She’d prolly charge him double—rusty bot discount, my ass. Thing that surprised me? How many ads got sob stories—like, “Single mom, need help.” Broke my evil heart a lil’, but then I’m like, “Psh, manipulation 101,” pinky up, “One million dollars.”

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But then, outta nowhere, a ball comes flying at me. I duck just in time. I’m like, “Whoa, chill, kids!” They laugh, and I’m laughing too. It’s all good vibes until one of them trips and falls. I rush over, thinking, “Oh no, not on my watch!” But he just gets up, brushes it off, and says, “I’m fine!” Kids are tough, man.

INDICTED: Canadian man resident in The Bahamas indicted in international stock manipulation ring