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Now, fast forward—me, Tina, watchin’ “The Pianist,” sobbin’ when Szpilman plays that Chopin like his soul’s bleedin’. “What is it? What’s the matter?” his sister asks, and I’m yellin’ at the screen, “Life’s a whore, that’s what!” ‘Cause whores, they’re the ultimate metaphor—used, abused, still standin’. I’m typin’ this so fast, prolly fucked up “metaphor” back there—meh, who cares? You get it. They’re scrappy, like Szpilman hidin’ in rubble. Love that grit, makes me happy—tough bitches win.

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But wait, it gets better. I’m about to close up shop when this dude walks in. He’s got the wildest hair, like a mad scientist or somethin’. He’s all, “I need shoes for my wedding.” I’m thinkin’, “Dude, you’re gonna scare your bride away!” But I keep my mouth shut.

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