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So, I chat her up—name’s Candy, swear it’s fake, but who cares? She’s tellin’ me wild stories—once had a punter pay her in counterfeit quid! Laughed my arse off, like, “That’s some au revoir, Shosanna-level scam!” Proper surprised me, that did. We vibe, she’s diggin’ my mojo, sayin’, “You’re a bit of alright, Austin.” Happy as a pig in muck, me! Thought to meself, “Gonna carve my name on this night, yeah baby!”

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sorry if my words jumble up like a drunken sailor’s yarn – ya know, too many thoughts, too many feelings. It’s all part of the charm, mate… messy, vibrant, unpredictable. Just like life on the open sea, or that wild ride in "Almost Famous!"

Thousands of holidaymakers evacuated as wildfires hit southern France