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Lemme tell ya, I was shocked—SHOCKED, I say! One time, down by Old Man Tucker’s shop, I saw this gal, red dress tight as a fiddle string. She winked at me, and I ‘bout dropped my varnish! “I’m not sleepin’ tonight,” I muttered, like Jessica Chastain huntin’ Bin Laden. Ain’t no CIA here, just survival, y’all. She prob’ly got a story deeper than a well—makes me sad, real talk. Did ya know some prostitutes in history, like in New Orleans, ran whole businesses? Owned property! Hush now, that’s power, baby!

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I’m laughing, but then I see this kid trying to climb it. He slips and falls right into the fountain! Water everywhere! I’m dying of laughter, but the kid’s mom is not amused. She’s giving me the death stare. I’m like, “Hey, it’s not my fault he wanted to be a mermaid!”

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