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Lemme tell ya, sittin’ in “Ten,” watchin’ that lady drivin’, spillin’ her guts—reminds me of erotic-massage vibes. “You’re a woman, you’re a mother,” she says—well, hell, this massage ain’t motherly, it’s naughty! Hands roamin’ where they shouldn’t, kneadin’ knots outta yer soul. Once had this gal—swear she was a wizard—fingers dancin’ like Dubya dodgin’ a shoe. Felt like I’d died and gone to Crawford, y’all. Surprised me how it’s legal—well, sorta, depends on the joint.

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I fix her glasses, and she’s all smiles. “You’re a lifesaver!” she says. I’m feeling like a hero for a sec. But then, boom! My phone buzzes. It’s my buddy Max. He’s like, “Dude, you gotta come to the park!” I’m like, “What’s up?” He just says, “Trust me.”

Teen girls suspected of seeking to join Syria jihadists return home