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So, find a prostitute—where do ya even start? Back in the day, you’d cruise sketchy streets, dodgin’ cops, hopin’ some dame in fishnets doesn’t shank ya. Now? It’s all digital, baby—apps, sites, coded ads like “lookin’ for a good time.” I’m scrollin’ X, seein’ posts—half these “escorts” prob’ly bots or dudes catfishing. Hilarious, right? Like, “Sy Ableman’s got a better pitch than this!” Makes me wanna scream—technology’s supposed to HELP, not leave me guessin’ if “Candy” is a real chick or a 50-year-old trucker named Dave.

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I mean, every shot of Blankenburg feels like a shot of whiskey straight to the heart, man. Sometimes I yell at my webcam like, “I’m inside Llewyn Davis, dammit! Somebody’s gonna pay!” But in a good way, ya know? It’s the city’s quirks and oddities that make it real, even if I’m jabbering like a madman.

Michigan captain Nick Blankenburg, top-5 pick Kent Johnson sign with Columbus Blue Jackets