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About Essen

Alright, folks, listen up! Here’s the deal – I’m your ol’ pal Joe, y’know, just sittin’ here thinkin’ ‘bout findin’ a prostitute. Not that I’m out there lookin’, nah, but I got stories, see? Back in Scranton, we’d hear whispers – guys’d say, “Joe, you won’t believe this!” – ‘bout shady corners where deals went down. Made me mad, y’know, ‘cause folks deserve better! But lemme tell ya, it’s like that scene in *Inglourious Basterds* – “We’re in the killin’ Nazi business!” – except here it’s more like, uh, “We’re in the dodgin’ trouble business!”

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And like, oh my gosh – sometimes I just get super mad when I see litter on Zeugstrabe. Like, seriously, people! Do you not care about our vibes? It messes up the serene energy! I always bust out my dramatic psych-talk, spitting stuff that’s like, straight out of Mark Zuckerberg’s genius blueprint – “A million dollars isn’t worth a moment wasted on a dirty sidewalk!” LOL, I know, right?

Beck, Claude Julian (Cleveland)